As a little girl, I remember crying because I couldn’t fall asleep. Now I end up crying instead of sleeping sometimes. I prefer not to cry because then I turn into Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer and one of those undead red-eyed zombies. But some incidents start off the waterworks.
My parrot died.
I am sorry, but I
can’t write it any better. I suppose as a writer, I am meant to put my sorrows
in words. All the great artists make their masterpieces in grief. But I feel
angry at how unfair this is. I don’t want to write about loss. I don’t want to
put it down in words because then it will all be real. Miles away from home, I
can still imagine that my little parrot, who was as close as my baby sister, my
cute little Piku, is still alive. She is still chirping, eating, biting
everyone, and rushing to eat the phone as soon as I call. But here I am letting
that delusion die and turning her from a little precious beating heart to just
mere words. How is that fair?
I will never get to
hear her bicker again, make her ride on my shoulder, or see her learn to fly.
She didn’t even learn how to fly. How is this in any way fair? I know I sound
like an infant bawling their eyes out over the tiniest of inconveniences, but I
assure you that is not the case. I am a bit familiar with loss.
When my grandfather
passed away, I was there to see it happen. I was there to hear the phone calls
and listen to panic. I knew how everyone reacted, how weird it felt when the
funeral pyre lit up. But that time it was different. I was there with everyone.
It’s like I saw him in his final moments, and the acceptance stage came early.
But my poor Piku. I
knew I might not meet her again. I decorated her cage with vines and leaves
like a bride’s carriage. I thought she might learn to fly and go on her way to
live a new life. I was okay with that. My little sister would be flying off, as
I did, on her own terms, taking in life's ups and downs. But that was not the
case for Piku. She got swooped off by a big, stupid, ugly bird, and she
couldn’t even fly away. Before I put out the entire scene of her final moments,
it’s better if you learn about her.
This reminds me of the
time my mum said that we should write about our Bhua (father’s sister), who
passed away during the pandemic. I wrote all her happy memories in my diary so
I can look back and remember her in a positive light when she was strong and
healthy.
Piku’s story didn’t
start strong and healthy. She was attacked by a bird in her nest, fell from the
tree, and a stray was gonna eat her when our gardener rescued her and asked my
mum if she would like to keep her until her wings grew back. Around 4 months
later, this is exactly how Piku dies. She was so tiny in the very first
recording my mum shared. Her feathers were still a light shade of green. I went
back home and spent my 3-week break with her. It was amazing having a pet
parrot. She climbed on my shoulder and looked about curiously as if we were
sailing on high tides.
My brother had
prepared such a healthy diet plan for her. The bird was being fed sprouts, can
you imagine? My dad, who said he didn’t like pets at all, was practically
treating her like his third child. She was just so cute, dumb, and funny; we
all fell in love with that little fluffball. She used to squeak and bite at us
all the time. Whenever she used to nip my ears, I told her she needed to fight
out there in the real world, but she was too distracted by her grains to look
up at me with her beady eyes. Sometimes she did listen, cocking her head up as
if focusing on our words. Silly bird.
Sometimes I think I should’ve
sided with my brother and said it wasn't necessary to take Piku out for walks
on the roof. In captivity, parrots can live for years and years. But we wanted
to give her a taste of freedom. Did she like it? She just liked it when she got
food, and if it were capsicum, she would absolutely go crazy.
Parents always try to
give their kids freedom. It’s tough, but they can’t be held back. I think maybe
I was like Piku. No, I am not ungrateful for being allowed to fly away to
Australia. But like Piku, I didn’t claw at my cage or
look longingly out of the window; I
was happy eating in my cage, too. My home was not my prison. I was happy to
walk indoors, like her. She got carried around on our arms, got fed more than
three times a day, and got to throw tantrums all the time. What else would a
green fluff ball need? I never sought freedom because my home is not a prison.
I am grateful for that, but now that I am all alone on the roof, it gets scary
at times.
I try to blend in
with the leaves so as not to attract any predators. I mind my business or
sometimes talk to some pigeons who, like me, are simple-minded, but mostly I gaze
quietly at everything. There are so many sounds. People my age are talking and
laughing, but I don’t have my cage around me. My parents are with me, but so
far. I don’t know whether I want to go hang out with anyone. If I call them, I
will blow my cover, but if I stay hidden, no one will see me.
My dad comes, and I
go downstairs. Perched on my cage, I finally close my eyes to nap. The comfort
of being safe, you feel it only when you are so exposed on the roof, when you
fear taking every step.
Piku and I used to
play the Jack Sparrow game, in which I would run like Jack Sparrow from Pirates
of the Caribbean, and she would cling to my belt. It’s weird how even a
little, silly bird knows what fear is, knows who is keeping her safe, and knows
how to act adorable to get her way. I miss my Pikli so much.
She is not coming back. I will go back home,
and her cage, her presence, everything will be gone. Years later, she will just
become a distant memory I held. How can a bird cuddle with you? That’s such
cat-like behaviour. If rebirth exists, she will surely be a cat.
Here I was sniffling
about ordinary hardships when my parents told me that Pikli is no more. They
didn’t tell me when it happened. They waited till I came to my place in the
evening. It’s not fair how easily I can be cut off from happenings. The phone
has made the world feel shorter. I think not. We think we are connected, but
are we really? My mom and I cry miles apart for Piku, who is no longer near any
of us.
I can’t hug my mom as
she grieves this bird, who was her little kid. Piku used to follow my mom
around the house. She was the passenger princess when my mum went out in the
car. She used to cuddle with her as soon as my mom sat down and said, “cuddle
time.” She used to make my mom laugh with her silly antics, and no, she can’t
be replaced by any other bird. She came to my mom by a miracle. My mom didn’t
buy her; she didn’t want a pet; she fell in love with the cutie who fell out of
a tree and landed in her lap.
As I stand alone on
this rooftop. Sometimes storms hit me hard. Yes, I am afraid. Do I know how to
fly? No, not that well. I fall, and fall a lot. It’s not easy getting up.
I get all my
feathers ruffled. I am scared of replying to my friends, scared of jumping lest
I fall, scared of being eaten alive, but I know my parents are there. My dad
will come soon to take me down, and I will eat the healthy diet my brother
prepared. Then I will snuggle with Mom and fall asleep at peace, knowing that I
survived another day on the rooftop and came one step closer to learning how to
fly.
To my dear Piku, thank
you for being my parrot and my little sister. I am sorry I can’t write your
final scene because I want to believe you flew away.

